Some people find it practically inconceivable to say no to the demands of a parent, partner, friend, or an authority figure. It is not rare to find people who continue to minister to the needs of those who once caused them a lot of pain and who continue to permit major intrusions without any boundaries. In fact, it’s hard for people to look at their parents, friends etc and admit that a few of these relationships were not healthy.
Some of these relationships may have influenced you negatively and the extent of the damage can’t be put in words. The weight of this pain, that we don’t speak about due to guilt, bleeds into our relationships/friendships as we struggle to figure out how and where it all started.
Let’s talk about trauma bonds and what they are.
Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.It’s very essential for us to understand that these can occur in romantic relationships, friendships, work place environments, in addition to familial relationships.
So, the real question is why do trauma bonds happen?
To ensure survival, people subconsciously focus on the positive attributes of the person they have a traumatic bond with, not their negative ones. When we suffer traumatic experiences, we emotionally shut ourselves off and don’t allow ourselves to take action. We become numb, and thus resort to our primitive instincts to cope. When we experience trauma, especially at a young age, we’re focused on survival and we are not taking an inventory of positive traits. We might feel incompetent or believe the trauma itself is a testament to our lack of worth.The brain itself becomes wired to look for danger, for all the things that can go wrong.It sees potential catastrophe and longs for safety.
Since our experience is of pain and a lack of positive states (joy, security, self-acceptance) we look for these things externally or we stop looking for them all together.Even if someone else could help fulfil these needs within we’re not the best at choosing people nor do we know what to expect from a healthy friendship.
Trauma bonds can be hard to identify so here are some signs (as published in Good Therapy and Psychology Today) that you may be in a traumatic bond with a friend or partner
If people around you have mentioned that you need to get out of a particular relationship/friendship, but you ignore them or pretend to not know what they're talking about, you're likely in a trauma bond.
It can feel like love because you are so attached to this person, regardless of what they do to you.
You may find yourself walking on eggshells around them.
You may often worry that you might do or say something that can set them off. Even if you know this person is doing hurtful things to you, leaving is difficult because you're afraid they may not only hurt you but themselves.
When you are in a trauma bond, you may feel stuck in the bond and you won’t see any way out of it.
You secretly crave the drama the bond provides you with.
Your friendship reminds you of the word “frenemy” or the movie “mean girls”.
If a friend/partner typically belittles you but then shower with crumbs of love. Eg : a compliment from them would feel meaningful and special. If you find yourself hanging on to these singular instances hoping that you will experience it again then this might be a major sign.
Obsessing about people who have hurt you, though they are long gone
Continuing to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain
Going “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you
Continuing to be a “team member” when obviously things are becoming destructive
Continuing attempts to get people to like you, though they are clearly using you
Trusting people again and again who have proven to be unreliable
Being unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships
Wanting to be understood by those who clearly do not care
Choosing to stay in conflict with others, though it would cost you nothing to walk away
Persisting in trying to convince people there is a problem and they won’t listen
Remaining loyal to people who have betrayed you
Being forced to keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse
Maintaining contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.
Some tips to break free from trauma bonds :
Stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel.Notice how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for the friendship/relationship.Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing in real time what is happening and how it is affects you.Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.You cannot do it without honoring the reality you are losing something very valuable to you.
The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centred on drama.Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support.Notice the people in your life who show you loving concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can.Reach out for professional help as needed.
Whenever you are away from the toxic person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop.Consider writing your feelings down instead. Learn to simply be with your emotions.You don’t need to run from them, hide from them, avoid them, or make them go away. Once you fully feel them, they may begin to subside. Remember: the only way out is through.Do not make any decision that hurts you. This goes for emotional “relapses” as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to mentally beat yourself up. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest.
Professional Help is also highly recommended in these cases as they can also help the individual suffering develop effective strategies which will help them heal and let go of the traumatic bond.
SOURCE: goodtherapy and psychology today.
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