By Lohith Chiluka
I usually tend not to comment on social issues, mainly because at times, I feel my opinions are either too liberal or quasi-conservative.
This time, however, I couldn't really stay quiet about it, and I am just going to be narrating something that affects me personally. At any point that I use the term "we", I do not represent anyone who does not wish to be thought of in the same way.
Most mental health posts that you see, often talk about how it's okay to be afraid, and how it's always good to reach out, and talk to people. The " You can always reach out to me, I’m here for you " posts on Instagram as well as the existence of pages that promote mental health are multitudinous in number. While I personally get the idea behind mental health awareness and trying to eradicate the social stigma associated with mental health, here is a viewpoint of someone who did suffer from what I think was depression (since I never sought professional help, I would not go so far as to diagnose myself as depressed).
First, I think, it's best if I take you through what was going through my head at the time. I tend to consider myself an extrovert. I mingle with people just fine and love to party. At least that's the sort of mindset I came to college with, and it's something I thought I'll be able to maintain. Now, as it happens with so many people in college, I went overboard with getting involved in new things, joined some clubs, tried out stuff I never thought I would and certainly started looking at the world differently. At the same time, however, there was this self-inflicted burden of trying to be the best at everything, that at times overwhelmed me.
Here is where what I want to talk about starts. This burden that I inflicted upon myself started out pretty normal. I just wanted to do well, prove a point, majorly for self-satisfaction. That's usually where it always begins. The burden slowly developed into something more severe, and those dreams of doing well started turning into sleepless nights. Now, I didn't really understand that I was going through a lot of stress until physical symptoms began appearing. It began with slight inflammations and flared up skin on my chest. This pretty much led to a freakout, with me reaching out to my parents about the physical symptoms. Anyway, at no point did I actually realize the mental toll that the entire "strive to be the best' put on me.
Slowly, however, certain irregularities began to manifest. There would be times where for a couple of moments everything around me would be spinning, and I'd see black spots which would pass away in a bit. Shortness of breath and panic attacks followed. I had no idea what panic attacks were until I googled what " everything around you is perfectly normal yet you seem to be suffocating and ' grasping for straws '" is an indication of. It was around this juncture that the possibility of 'stress' started to hit me.
I wouldn't speak for most people, but in such situations, you tend to have one of two reactions - a basic fight or flight instinct. For me, I chose to bury it, and act as though everything was normal, because I thought then, that being affected by stress or having a mental health issue would just show people how weak I was.
Being an active social member, I didn't really get a lot of time to myself. There were always people around, so I learnt to develop this mask. A mask which would ensure that no one around would know what was going on in my head. If I were to try to describe it in words,
it feels as though 'you're screaming at the top of your voice, but no one can hear you'.
I knew well enough by then, that it was time I talk to someone about what was going on, but I didn't know how to go about it. I couldn't fathom going to my parents about it, because of the stigma attached to it, and I didn't want to 'burden' my friends with issues that I should have been able to deal with on my own. I couldn't reach out to professionals because I had no idea how to, and I didn't trust any other viable source.
The reason I decided to take you through all this, is because it's time that those of you who take the effort to read this understand. Posting "You can talk to me about anything" or putting up stories of how "You shouldn't be afraid to talk to people" doesn't really help.
As someone who is going through an issue, the last thing that I would personally want to see, is a bunch of stories, put up by people who have no idea on how to deal with such situations, giving advice that isn't going to do anyone any good.
Yes, it is important to spread awareness and destigmatize the notions affiliated with mental health, and trying to build a community of people who share their stories may seem like a huge step. It really isn't. A person who is actually dealing with such a severe issue isn't going to all of a sudden reach out to strangers and talk about their personal life. Posting stories to 'spread awareness' also has a side effect that people don't understand. You're boxing in people who are actually tormented by it every day. You're negatively influencing their minds, reminding them that they still suffer from a disorder, at times they really want to just forget about everything.
I am not trying to call out any efforts that have been taken so far, I'm just trying to get you to understand that there exist multiple viewpoints, and this is one you may want to take into account.
If you really want to help, do your research. Compile a list of professionals who can actually help someone going through such a situation. Raise money along with awareness. The cost of consulting professionals is hefty, especially in situations when people don't want their parents to know about. Find out ways to subsidize such cost. Play the role of the intermediary, stop trying to play the role of a therapist. You're often doing more unintentional harm than good.
If you're someone, who finds even a small cohort of relatability with anything that I mentioned above, and would like to know what my take on how to deal with it would be like, it's this. Don't try to self-diagnose. It's easy to google symptoms to try and understand what exactly you're ailing from. However, there is a healthy probability that your prognosis based on what you have read off of the internet is wrong, and is simply endangering you. Reach out to professionals in whatever way you can. Find hope in the virtue that you aren't alone in whatever you are going through.
This is my story. What's yours?
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